Back from the Wed.

I didn't initially intend to take such a long hiatus from the blogging thing, but there were things outside of my wedding plans that couldn't be ignored, including (but not limited to):

... wrapping up our Where the Wild Things Are performance camp

... teaching a Monster Mania workshop for 3 to 4 year-olds

... packing up the house and leaving my Dad detailed instructions on how to use the PS3 to watch Netflix while we were away in Connecticut

... spending almost a week in Connecticut for a masquerade-themed wedding and visiting with Sean's Italian relatives

... visiting the vet several times and medicating our newest addition, Olive



I mean, how could you ignore that face in favor of anything wedding? 

Attending the wedding in Connecticut definitely was an experience. It's almost impossible for me to attend weddings anymore without analyzing the hell out of them, and this wedding was no different. The only difference now is that I feel more compelled to bite my tongue, as it is family (well, future family) and unfortunately, when it comes to weddings, no amount of criticism is going to help because a wedding is (ideally) a one-time thing, so you can hardly apply anyone's constructive notes after the fact. And besides, who the hell am I to tell anyone how to have a wedding, anyway? Right?

Sean said to me that he thinks I'm someone who just doesn't like weddings that much. At first I protested, insisting that I love the idea of weddings - the food, the music, the dancing. But then I realized, he's absolutely right. It never fails that I get to a wedding and I find myself complaining - why is there fruit in my salad? Why are they playing Kool and the Gang for the umpteenth time? And why is there never anything to do except dance?

Because I am FINICKY. And I am a PAIN IN THE ASS.

And this is an extremely liberating and important thing to realize, not just for me, but for you (I hope).

It's not that your weddings suck, because I look around and see every single other person in the room having a marvelous time. Clearly, fruit in the salad and Kool and the Gang and conga lines are preferred by the rest of the population. It's a matter of personal taste.

It's not you, Wedding. It's ME.

Part of the reason why we brides freak out so much and succumb to pressure is because of the fear of guests like me. We oscillate between extreme concern for our guests and an "Eff 'em - it's MY day" attitude where rarely a balance is struck, because let's face it, we all know you can't make everyone happy. I am the guest you don't want at your wedding, because you're going to stress out that it will never be good enough for me, and truth be told, it won't because I am not fit for weddings.

It's not your wedding. It's ME.

There are things about your weddings I totally love, don't get me wrong. The way some of you write your own vows is touching and has brought me to tears. The way all of you get all gooey when you say your I Do's makes me sigh and colors the room all pretty-like. The way you all have such concern for throwing a beautiful, memorable celebration of your new lives together is better than any signature cocktail. It's just all the pseudo-prom reception stuff afterwards that makes me all... well, you know what it makes me.

The fact that someone like me is going to be at your wedding should, hopefully, empower you to say "eff it" and put as much fruit in your salad as you want. At the end of the night and the start of your new lives, it's about you, not ME.

Zilla of the Bridal Variety.

This blog post from one of my favorite all time blogs - wedding or otherwise - is what planted the seed for my fascination with Bridezilla many months back.


Said fascination blossomed into a beautiful bulb of bitchy right here... that's it.... ( Comments always encouraged! )


What's weird is I got really into that Bridezillas TV show back in 2007, long before Sean and I got engaged. I was definitely not one of those girls who wanted to be a bride, and was always too busy staging musicals with my Barbies to be bothered fantasizing about my wedding day. In fact, up until I met Sean I was pretty convinced I was gonna be rocking the single mom thing... not that I'm a mom, but... well, I just figured I'd have a kid at some point. Partner optional.

Digression. Yes.

Every time it came on, my eyes would be fixed to the tube. And the thing is, I know better than to like this smut! I am quite proficient in Brit Coms, and love me a good documentary ( aka - reality entertainment's ethical cousin ).

I know it's crap. Better than crap - it's trash. Crap trash.

It's not helping feminism any. It's just furthering the bride bashing problem that already exists. And it's only heaping pressure onto the rest of us so-called level-headed brides to steer clear of any emotional outbursts whatsoever. It's cultivating hostility in its viewers, which they express via nasty comments on YouTube (which reminds me a lot of this passive aggressive anonymity thing when it comes to bathroom graffiti at the bar I work at - the things they write they'd NEVER have the balls to say to your face).

Yet here I am gorging on it like a fat kid with a tube of cookie dough - it tastes soooooo good, but will ultimately be my undoing.

On Disney Dresses and Damage Control

I can't tell you how many articles I've read on The Princess Complex, and though the story rarely changes, it never gets old. It's like a fairy tale you want to be told over and over again.

( Much like my bibbity-bobbity-bitch fest, found here, that you will no doubt watch over and over again? )

Considering that the princess programming starts at such a young age and doesn't let up until well into our 30s, I can't imagine why people are still astonished at the way so many brides act on their wedding day! Disney and Alfred Angelo just released a video showcasing their new line of Disney princess-inspired wedding gowns, and let me tell you, it's just... gah... there isn't enough pixie dust in the world to help me find a word that can explain how I feel at this moment. Maybe a sound, but... how do you articulate this sound?

GRRRUUUHHAAAAAAHHYIRBKZBSFUAGRGkEJ! (The "j" is silent)

From an aesthetic standpoint, these dresses are supposedly inspired by the likes of Ariel, Jasmine, Snow White, etc. but look to me like  little more than straight up wedding dresses. The touches meant to specifically tie in the dresses with the characters are so subtle that unless you had the dress designer with you to repeat her spiel on a loop for all your wedding guests, the whole meaning would be lost on them. These are glorified ballgowns with the word "princess" emblazoned on them to make them "magical" or "special", when what lies underneath the sparkles and fanfare is just another dress sewn by toddlers from a country whose name we can't pronounce.

When you wish upon a star... you can sew our wedding dresses from afar!

I am also annoyed that all my efforts to comment on the dresses and the princess complex and the ridiculousness of the whole thing were for naught. Damn YouTube and its pre-approved comment posting option! What happened to the days when you could leave a rude comment on someone's video and watch all hell break loose?

No, these Disney Living people were smart - they are taking charge of their image and making sure not one negative comment breaks through their impenetrable force field of fluff. With over 1 million views in 1 week, the last thing Disney Living can afford 1 less-than-loving critique.

So I am relegated to the shadows like some sick stepsister, screaming my head off to anyone within online earshot, bitter and bitchy and by-God-not-buying-into-this-bulls**t.

Care to join me?

On Dog Weddings and Marriage Equality

Honestly, I hadn't planned to post today as I am sick in bed with an awful phlegmmy throat thing. But when this headline about two greyhounds getting married caught my eye, I just had to say something about it.

Any comments in protest over this story are generally from the "it's okay to be a dog lover, but this is going too far" camp. I for one am never the first to say what is going too far when it comes to a passion - be it dogs or bedazzling denim jackets. My issue is that a wedding between two dogs is being permitted while there are human beings that still aren't being recognized as legitimate couples.

Any of you LGBTQ kids out there - how do you feel about dogs getting hitched while you're having to fight for your rights to have the same privilege?

Does anyone else find this ridiculous?

Holy Muttrimony.

What's more, this isn't even the first dog wedding ever - there's a dog wedding web series called Puppy Weddings on WEtv's website, wherein dogs are humiliated as their owners dress them in scraps of tulle and march them down the aisle for their owners' amusement.

Yes. This definitely makes sense. People of the same sex have no business getting married, because it's not God's design for family. Two dogs, on the other hand, totally fits in with the concept of the traditional family unit.

If the cornerstone for the conservative camp is that marriage and family is based in the ability to physically procreate, then what about dogs who are snipped? If a spayed springer spaniel and a neutered newfoundland want to tie the knot, well, I guess they're doing it purely for fun just like the gays are. We can't have that, can we?

Or can we?

Wedding Movie Review: The Wedding Planner and American Wedding

Here comes the suck. And two of them, too. And I ranted all about it via video here.

Sure, they're relatively old compared to some of the more recent wedding fodder to be released on the big screen over the last few years. Don't worry. I'll get to them, too.

But all this ranting and writing means nothing without a comment. Show me some love, people! xoxo

- Chan

The Hidden Cost of Weddings

This week I decided to define and explain what the WIC means to me in this video here. Everyone knows all too well the obscene average costs quoted by The Wedding Report, but the question remains, how does the WIC get away with charging so much for its services and products?




There have been countless posts on wedding blogs about the wedding upcharge for various event services and products, and for good reason. The insane cost of an average wedding is high not only because we choose to include all those questionably mandatory elements (photographer, flowers, etc.). The cost of the products and services themselves are generally jacked up when associated with a wedding – white pumps become bridal shoes, a vase of flowers becomes a wedding centerpiece, etc. The reasons for the upcharge are supposedly to account for higher quality and attention to detail, the extra work required to adhere to a bride’s vision, and to offer the bride an implied all-day bitch pass.



The elevated costs – while normal by WIC standards – are meant to justify a suggested craftsmanship that the average wedding requires. Meanwhile, plenty of brides have taken to telling little white lies for their big white events in order to get a fairer price. While some vendors feel slighted, I will be the first to wave her big white pom poms in support of these fibs.



Why?



Because they are paying for the level of service they find appropriate for their weddings.



When a hairdresser says, “Oh, well if I’d known this updo was for a wedding, I would’ve done it differently”, I demand to know in what ways they would’ve done it differently. By working harder at it? By paying closer attention to detail? By adding more bells and whistles that they think a bride should have?



The fact that the incognito bride asks for an updo doesn’t change the fact that she wants an updo. No doubt she’s given some direction as to what she wants done, so the word “wedding” shouldn’t change the shape or quality of the updo – that is, unless we’re meant to understand that an ordinary party guest doesn’t deserve the same respect a bride would? And assuming there is some huge difference between a party updo and a wedding updo, the incognito bride has chosen to have a party updo, for all its flaws and plainness. Is it really the responsibility of the hairdresser to make sure the bride adheres to a standard of bridal hair she didn’t ask for?!



True, honesty is generally the best policy, and I am by no means suggesting going to the lengths Jessica Vega did to score her freebies (wherein she didn't limit her scamming to the WIC, but relatives and strangers as well). But in this instance, I say “an eye for an eye”. If the WIC chooses to be dishonest when it comes to their practices, why should brides feel obligated to divulge any more details than they need to get the products and services they want? This isn’t like stealing from a food bank – this is robbing the rich to give to the less rich. We’re talking about a billion-dollar-a-year industry whose decline since the recession has been but mere pocket change and the difference between an affordable celebration and a lifetime of debt for couples trying to start their own lives together. And for my money, I’d rather pay for ordinary party goods with no strings attached than a host of services with the word “wedding” emblazoned on them.

Wedding Movie Review #1: Our Family Wedding

For the first of many wedding movie reviews, go check out my video on the subject here.

This movie doesn’t deserve another word from me. I need to purge via something preferably non-wedding related... not that Our Family Wedding was really wedding-related… oh damn you, Our Family Wedding - you got me again!