Back from the Wed.

I didn't initially intend to take such a long hiatus from the blogging thing, but there were things outside of my wedding plans that couldn't be ignored, including (but not limited to):

... wrapping up our Where the Wild Things Are performance camp

... teaching a Monster Mania workshop for 3 to 4 year-olds

... packing up the house and leaving my Dad detailed instructions on how to use the PS3 to watch Netflix while we were away in Connecticut

... spending almost a week in Connecticut for a masquerade-themed wedding and visiting with Sean's Italian relatives

... visiting the vet several times and medicating our newest addition, Olive



I mean, how could you ignore that face in favor of anything wedding? 

Attending the wedding in Connecticut definitely was an experience. It's almost impossible for me to attend weddings anymore without analyzing the hell out of them, and this wedding was no different. The only difference now is that I feel more compelled to bite my tongue, as it is family (well, future family) and unfortunately, when it comes to weddings, no amount of criticism is going to help because a wedding is (ideally) a one-time thing, so you can hardly apply anyone's constructive notes after the fact. And besides, who the hell am I to tell anyone how to have a wedding, anyway? Right?

Sean said to me that he thinks I'm someone who just doesn't like weddings that much. At first I protested, insisting that I love the idea of weddings - the food, the music, the dancing. But then I realized, he's absolutely right. It never fails that I get to a wedding and I find myself complaining - why is there fruit in my salad? Why are they playing Kool and the Gang for the umpteenth time? And why is there never anything to do except dance?

Because I am FINICKY. And I am a PAIN IN THE ASS.

And this is an extremely liberating and important thing to realize, not just for me, but for you (I hope).

It's not that your weddings suck, because I look around and see every single other person in the room having a marvelous time. Clearly, fruit in the salad and Kool and the Gang and conga lines are preferred by the rest of the population. It's a matter of personal taste.

It's not you, Wedding. It's ME.

Part of the reason why we brides freak out so much and succumb to pressure is because of the fear of guests like me. We oscillate between extreme concern for our guests and an "Eff 'em - it's MY day" attitude where rarely a balance is struck, because let's face it, we all know you can't make everyone happy. I am the guest you don't want at your wedding, because you're going to stress out that it will never be good enough for me, and truth be told, it won't because I am not fit for weddings.

It's not your wedding. It's ME.

There are things about your weddings I totally love, don't get me wrong. The way some of you write your own vows is touching and has brought me to tears. The way all of you get all gooey when you say your I Do's makes me sigh and colors the room all pretty-like. The way you all have such concern for throwing a beautiful, memorable celebration of your new lives together is better than any signature cocktail. It's just all the pseudo-prom reception stuff afterwards that makes me all... well, you know what it makes me.

The fact that someone like me is going to be at your wedding should, hopefully, empower you to say "eff it" and put as much fruit in your salad as you want. At the end of the night and the start of your new lives, it's about you, not ME.

The Hidden Cost of Weddings

This week I decided to define and explain what the WIC means to me in this video here. Everyone knows all too well the obscene average costs quoted by The Wedding Report, but the question remains, how does the WIC get away with charging so much for its services and products?




There have been countless posts on wedding blogs about the wedding upcharge for various event services and products, and for good reason. The insane cost of an average wedding is high not only because we choose to include all those questionably mandatory elements (photographer, flowers, etc.). The cost of the products and services themselves are generally jacked up when associated with a wedding – white pumps become bridal shoes, a vase of flowers becomes a wedding centerpiece, etc. The reasons for the upcharge are supposedly to account for higher quality and attention to detail, the extra work required to adhere to a bride’s vision, and to offer the bride an implied all-day bitch pass.



The elevated costs – while normal by WIC standards – are meant to justify a suggested craftsmanship that the average wedding requires. Meanwhile, plenty of brides have taken to telling little white lies for their big white events in order to get a fairer price. While some vendors feel slighted, I will be the first to wave her big white pom poms in support of these fibs.



Why?



Because they are paying for the level of service they find appropriate for their weddings.



When a hairdresser says, “Oh, well if I’d known this updo was for a wedding, I would’ve done it differently”, I demand to know in what ways they would’ve done it differently. By working harder at it? By paying closer attention to detail? By adding more bells and whistles that they think a bride should have?



The fact that the incognito bride asks for an updo doesn’t change the fact that she wants an updo. No doubt she’s given some direction as to what she wants done, so the word “wedding” shouldn’t change the shape or quality of the updo – that is, unless we’re meant to understand that an ordinary party guest doesn’t deserve the same respect a bride would? And assuming there is some huge difference between a party updo and a wedding updo, the incognito bride has chosen to have a party updo, for all its flaws and plainness. Is it really the responsibility of the hairdresser to make sure the bride adheres to a standard of bridal hair she didn’t ask for?!



True, honesty is generally the best policy, and I am by no means suggesting going to the lengths Jessica Vega did to score her freebies (wherein she didn't limit her scamming to the WIC, but relatives and strangers as well). But in this instance, I say “an eye for an eye”. If the WIC chooses to be dishonest when it comes to their practices, why should brides feel obligated to divulge any more details than they need to get the products and services they want? This isn’t like stealing from a food bank – this is robbing the rich to give to the less rich. We’re talking about a billion-dollar-a-year industry whose decline since the recession has been but mere pocket change and the difference between an affordable celebration and a lifetime of debt for couples trying to start their own lives together. And for my money, I’d rather pay for ordinary party goods with no strings attached than a host of services with the word “wedding” emblazoned on them.

Wedding Movie Review #1: Our Family Wedding

For the first of many wedding movie reviews, go check out my video on the subject here.

This movie doesn’t deserve another word from me. I need to purge via something preferably non-wedding related... not that Our Family Wedding was really wedding-related… oh damn you, Our Family Wedding - you got me again!

I Went to a Wedding Website and All I Got Was This Stupid Checklist.

I went to a major wedding website recently when it came to my attention that I only had nine months left to start planning this wedding. After printing off their checklist and subsequently ranting about it via video, I wanted to take a moment to specifically point out items that irked me on this list via my own checklist. Yes, I see the irony. One useless checklist deserves another.


[ For copyright purposes, I did not duplicate their checklist items but instead rephrased them to avoid violating any laws. Words they used specifically are in quotes. ]


5. Wherein brides are instructed to follow an exercise regime and eat well in order to get into "wedding day shape".

While I see the importance of good physical, mental, and emotional health, what is this “wedding day shape” standard? Was the shape I was in when we got engaged somehow not good enough? You mean he proposed with the hopes that I would eventually buckle down and achieve this bridal shape? And note that it says “wedding day shape”, not “marriage shape” or “lifelong good shape”. Further note that it says “shape”, not “health” – because let’s face it, the two are not always natural bedmates (as the daughter of an anorexic can tell you – a skinny figure does not a healthy mother make). Making positive life changes for a lifetime is one thing, but making these changes on the basis of a single day is not likely to last and more likely to deprive us of much needed confidence… and sleep…



8. Wherein brides are urged to find the "perfect" reception site.


I promised myself when I was attending a Liberal Arts college that I wouldn’t become one of those people that got all hung up on semantics, but here I am getting all bitchy and Birkenstocky and about to dissect use of the word “perfect”. The idea that there is a perfect reception location is as ludicrous as the notion of “the” dress, or “the” soulmate who was put on Earth just for you. The word “perfect” can be damaging, and it can add unnecessary pressure and imply an impossible, unachievable standard of flawlessness that threatens to overshadow the truly important aspects of your wedding day. What makes a perfect reception location, anyway? Who is to say what is perfect? Words like “ideal” or “suitable” would be more effective and empowering for brides, and just a wee bit less ulcer-inducing.


10. Wherein brides are told to plan for their engagement party by creating a guest list, setting a date, and ordering another set of invitations.


Wait, wait, wait… one set of invitations wasn’t enough? Now I have to think about two sets? And another location, menu, guest list, and kitschy favors or decorations? Where’s the checklist for this party? Maybe I should hire an engagement party planner… hmm…


16. Wherein brides are told to begin researching wedding dresses via magazines and websites.


There’s this psychological phenomenon known as “exposure effect” which suggests that people become fond of things they find familiar. In reference to advertising (such as you might find of wedding gowns in bridal magazines and on commercial wedding websites), the exposure effect tends to be most powerful when the product or company is unfamiliar and fresh. To a first-time bride, these images would be rather attractive, no? After all, these dresses are new to her - and once they stop being new, they become familiar by virtue of the fact that they are dominating print and online wedding media. The ads set the standard or the norm – the brides see it and love it for its newness and simultaneous familiarity – and a quest to find the perfect big white dress is born. Nevermind that white makes you look washed out, or a $500 gown isn’t in your budget. You’ve been shown the norm. You now must grapple with forcing yourself into the standard, or defying it at the risk of pissing off friends and family who want you to have a “real” wedding.



… and this is just the 9-11 month checklist. We have so many more to go! Weeeeeeeeee!